


The Black Pilot

by izzybeth



Series: Rogue Squadron And The Search For The Holy Bacta Tank [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: X-wing Series - Aaron Allston & Michael Stackpole, Star Wars Legends: X-wing Series - All Media Types
Genre: Excessive Nerdery, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-11
Updated: 2011-09-11
Packaged: 2017-10-23 16:03:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/252219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izzybeth/pseuds/izzybeth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>originally posted to the alt.fan.wedge newsgroup in... 2000? 2001? i don't remember.</p>
    </blockquote>





	The Black Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted to the alt.fan.wedge newsgroup in... 2000? 2001? i don't remember.

Wedge and his trusty servant Farmboy "fly" along through the woods. Suddenly they come upon a stream crossing where two pilots are battling in a heated dogfight with imaginary X-wings. One wears a green flight suit, the other wears an extremely bulky black one. Wedge stops and watches the fight.

The two pilots attempt to "vape" each other in many various ways. Finally, when the green pilot charges the black pilot, the black pilot pokes his "s-foil" (otherwise known as a hand) straight into the green pilot's eyes. The green pilot falls to the ground, bleeding profusely. The black pilot steps forward and wipes his hand on the green pilot. Wedge, impressed with the black pilot's fighting, motions to Farmboy and they "fly" forward.

Wedge: You fight with the strength of many men, sir pilot. (The black pilot does not respond) I am Wedge Antilles, Commander of Rogue Squadron. (no response) I seek the finest and the bravest pilots in the galaxy to join me at headquarters on Coruscant. (no response) You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? (no response) You make me sad. So be it! Come, Farmboy!

As Wedge and Farmboy start to fly past the black pilot, he suddenly speaks:

Black Pilot: NONE SHALL PASS.

Wedge: (taken aback) What?

Black Pilot: NONE SHALL PASS.

Wedge: I have no squirrel with you, good sir pilot, but I must cross this bridge.

Black Pilot: THEN YOU SHALL DIE.

Wedge: I _command_ you, as commander of Rogue Squadron, to stand aside.

Black Pilot: I MOVE FOR NO MAN.

Wedge: So be it!

A short battle ensues, where Wedge, unencumbered by his orange flightsuit (which is much lighter than the black pilot's), easily dodges the slow and heavy advances by the black pilot. Finally, Wedge dodges a strike, steps aside, and shoots the black pilot's left arm off with his blaster. Blood spurts from the pilot's open shoulder.

Wedge: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

Black Pilot: 'Tis but a scratch.

Wedge: A SCRATCH? Your s-foil's off!

Black Pilot: No it isn't!

Wedge: Well what's that then? (pointing to the arm lying on the ground)

Black Pilot: I've had worse.

Wedge: You LIAR!

Black Pilot: Come on, you pansy!

There follows an even shorter foray, at the end of which Wedge easily shoots off the black pilot's right "s-foil," causing it to drop to the ground. Blood spatters freely from the stump.

Wedge: Victory is mine! (looks up to the sky) Thank the Maker.

He is kicked onto his side by the black pilot.

Black Pilot: Come on, then! (kicks Wedge again)

Wedge: (on the ground) What?!?

Black Pilot: (kicking him again) Have at you!

Wedge: (getting up) You are indeed brave, sir pilot, but the fight is mine!

Black Pilot: Ohhh, had enough, eh?

Wedge: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no s-foils left!

Black Pilot: Yes I have!

Wedge: LOOK!!!

Black Pilot: Just a minor mechanical inconvenience! (kicking Wedge again)

Wedge: Look, STOP that!

Black Pilot: Chicken!!! Chicken!!!!!!!

Wedge: Look, I'll have your landing gear! (The Black Pilot continues his kicking) RIGHT! (He shoots off the black knight's leg with his blaster)

Black Pilot: (hopping) Right! I'll do you for that!

Wedge: You'll _WHAT?_

Black Pilot: Come 'ere!

Wedge: (tiring of this) What're you going to do, bleed on me?

Black Pilot: I'm _INVINCIBLE!!!_

Wedge: You're a looney.

Black Pilot: The Black Pilot ALWAYS TRIUMPHS! Have at you!! (hopping around, trying to kick Wedge with his one remaining leg)

Wedge shrugs his shoulders and removes the Black Pilot's last limb. The Black Pilot falls to the ground. He looks about, realizing he can't move.

Black Pilot: Okay, we'll call it a draw.

Wedge: Come, Farmboy! (they "fly" away)

Black Pilot: (calling after them) Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take what's coming to you, you yellow bastards!! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!


End file.
